Carriea31 (carriea31) wrote,
Carriea31
carriea31

4/2/2016

Yesterday I was thinking that if I were to take up smoking at any point, I would use one of those long stick things to hold my cigarette. Like Cruela Deville in the 101 Dalmatian movie. It just seems a little more fun that way. I've actually never smoked a cigarette in my life, nor do I plan to, so this was just a random thought I was having for no particular reason. I was never tempted to smoke as a child-I had a dream once at the age of maybe 11 or 12 where I was trying to smoke a cigarette but I kept coughing and choking...it just seemed so terrible. My parents never smoked either, so I suppose that is a big factor. My mom's aunt smoked a lot and now she has to be on oxygen all the time every day because her lungs have gotten bad. I know that some people are really afraid of or are anti-drinking...but both of my parents have always been very heavy drinkers, so that was the more likely addiction for me to take up...but I didn't do that either. I used to have a drink socially every now and then, and for cooking purposes I have experimented with wine...but nothing regularly and I don't crave it at all. I guess when it is something you are exposed to and you can see the damage it can do..maybe it just isn't as appealing? I don't know. I have friends who drink a lot and that doesn't bother me...but as far as I know they are not mean or nasty when they are drinking, so it just isn't the same as the bad situations I saw my parents get themselves in to...but I wouldn't want to be around it all the time either. It just brings up bad memories.

I booked a flight tonight to go back to Missouri to be with some of my family when they scatter my grandmother's ashes. I was really torn about going or not going and some of you gave advice that turned out to be very helpful (thank you!), but after thinking about it a lot, in the end I decided to go for my mom's sake. I couldn't justify not going because of the cost, because I found a really cheap ticket. I couldn't justify not going because of time with my son, because his dad was very supportive and nice about it and said he is happy to trade a weekend with me so I don't miss out on time with him. I found a flight that doesn't even interfere with work...I'll be about 2 hours late for work on the day of the return flight, but that isn't much and no one cares at all. My boss offered to let me take the whole day off if I wanted to, but I didn't want to. I just want to go and do a nice thing for my family and then come home as soon as possible. I loved my grandmother and I was very close to her and she knew my heart...but this thing isn't for her..it is for what family needs to do to feel at peace with things and be able to move on and feel closure. I don't feel the same way about all of that-I know where my grandma is now and I feel like I honored her when she was alive and in the things i do now...but I do feel that my family needs support, and so that was my reasoning in the end, and now that it is settled, I feel good about it.

Went hiking today with the husband and dog. That was nice. The dog is tired now and all sacked out on the couch. Need to take him out more often. Me too, of course that is a good work out for all of us!
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